Yes, I am speaking of my beloved vehicle Giles. The worry surrounding it is almost out weighing my normal levels of anxiety. Plus I only accomplished about a third of my intentions for today. DC texted me tonight wanting to know why I hadn’t let him know my brakes were acting up. I felt bad, but I really hate to ask for help, especially since I still owe him money on the last repair. I would have paid it all, but I’m holding back for emergency gas money since my step-mom is having surgery this week and I want to be prepared for travel… and yes, I know I am contradicting myself.
So much that I want to accomplish this month. I can’t focus. Good news is that I splurged for some allergy meds today, so I can breathe even if I can’t think straight. I know part of my loss of focus is my anxiety over my final meeting with my probation officer. Five years finally over. It is exhilarating and frightening. My therapist said that I sound like I have a bit of PTSD from the entire experience. I am terrified of not having that leash on me. I am terrified of people walking down the street. Anyone can say you have done anything, and now you are a felon on paper, so back to jail you go. Freedom is not free. It is really hard to earn and hard to keep. I faithfully make monthly payments to pre-paid legal, just in case.
I am a trusting loving person. I tell the truth to the point of my own detriment. The real world is everyone else’s word against your own. That is cynical, but hasn’t our world, our country, become cynical? I’m scared. I feel the tears welling up just thinking about facing my officer for the last time. I’m scared of the real world, outside the confines of the Department of Corrections and their minions.
Anyway, all that and a bag of chips… going to watch The Originals, again (ended up on phone earlier during the live airing), and try to calm and meditate for some rest before I face the day that will start the rest of my life.
For your entertainment, here is a picture of Giles during his last repair. Mahalo.